18 Things I've Learned Since Leaving the Valley

It's been over a week since I left the Valley, and I'm already starting to feel a bit bucolic-deficient: I haven't seen a tobacco barn or a creamery or a sugar shack in ages, haven't had a cider donut in eons, and haven't picked-my-own anythings in forever (excepting, perhaps, my nose). Still, I'm bearing up quite well under the circumstances, largely because I'm managing to keep my mind active. It remains to be seen just how active it will remain once I've settled into the languorous rhythms of the South - I've accepted the possibility that my brain muscles, pummelled by the politics and made turgid by the climate, might not retain their accustomed vigor for long - but for now my intellect is still in fighting form. As evidence of which, I hereby present eighteen things I've learned in the past week-and-a-half:

1) Mentor, OH, is the birthplace of James A. Garfield, and for this reason it can be a very difficult place to find a motel room at 11pm on a summer weekend.

2) Red Roof Inns are, despite their charming names, complete dumps. For evidence of this, I advise you to stay at the Red Roof Inn in Mentor, OH, where the rooms have more beds than towels.

3) People in the South drive very rapidly and don't like to use turn signals. I'm unsure why this is, but for now I'm blaming NASCAR.

4) Christ is the answer.

5) Jesus died for me.

6) I may call it abortion, but God calls it murder.

7) It is more expensive to move from Massachusetts to Tennessee via U-Haul than to do so by hiring movers.

8) Some landlords have very primitive understandings of how long it takes to renovate apartments. They also have somewhat underdeveloped notions of just how much communication is necessary or desirable between themselves and tenants expecting to move into said apartments.

9) Relatedly, Tuesday is not Saturday, and Saturday is not Thursday.

10) A tenant's annoyance with a delinquent landlord may be mitigated slightly upon being informed that the reason the landlord is always going "out of town" is that he is a member of a funk band whose members conceal their identities with costumes. Upon acquiring this information, a tenant may be inclined to view the landlord's apparent unscrupulousness as mere flakiness.

11) In the South, macaroni and cheese is a vegetable, and most everything else, including green beans and turnip greens and black-eyed-peas, is not suitable for vegetarians.

12) Ben Folds lives in our neighborhood.

13) The dude who runs two of the coffee shops in which I'll be spending much of my time is dating the chick who runs the popsicle stand at which I'll be spending much of my money.

14) In order to get a parking space for my 8am class, I'll need to arrive on campus by 7am. In order to do that, I'll need to leave home by 6am. And in order to do that, I'll need to be awake by 5:55am.

15) Children in Tennessee have to ride in car seats until they are eight years old.

16) Stacked, all-in-one-unit washer/dryer combos are more expensive than stackable, separate-unit, front-loading washers and dryers.

17) A significant Civil War event happened approximately every twenty feet in the South, and these events are stirringly described by signs more numerous than hairs on a monkey.

18) Custard pie is one of life's great pleasures.

Okay, that's all the larnin' you're gettin' for today. Now get back to work.