Some Superlatives from a Visit to the Upper Midwest

I've just returned from a 10-day ramble through Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Illinois, during which I was accompanied, at various times, by my brother, his girlfriend, my girlfriend, and several bouts of indigestion. I've broken the elements of the trip down into several helpful categories in order to convey the experience to you.

Largest Ball of Twine Seen:


Francis A. Johnson's famous twine ball in Darwin, MN. At one time the largest twine ball in the world, Johnson's ball, constructed between 1950 and 1979, has since been surpassed by several others, but it remains the largest twine ball ever rolled by one man. It is also, as yet, the only twine ball about which Weird Al Yankovic has written a song.



Largest Orange Moose Seen:


The gigantic fiberglass moose in Black River Falls, WI. I have no idea why this was here.

Largest Spoon Seen:


"Spoonbridge and Cherry," a sculpture in the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden created by Claes Oldenburg and Coosje Van Bruggen.

Largest Cherry Seen:
See above.

Largest American Gothic Homage Seen:


J. Seward Johnson's "God Bless America" statue on Michigan Avenue in Chicago.

Largest Frozen Custard Serving Consumed:


A single scoop of regular old vanilla custard at Kopp's, in Milwaukee.

Largest Carousel in the World:


The carousel at the House on the Rock in Milwaukee.

Minimum Number of Outlandishly Large Objects Seen:
Eight.

Happiest Barn in which Apple-Pie-Baked-In-a-Paper-Sack Was Purchased:


The Elegant Farmer, outside Milwaukee.

Stinkiest Sausage Bought and Consumed:
Landjaeger from the Elegant Farmer.

Maximum Number of Enclosed Spaces Rendered Almost Completely Unusable by the Landjaeger:
Three.

Drunkest Tour Guide:
The guy giving the Lakefront Brewery tour in Milwaukee.

Tour Guide Most Clearly Infatuated by a Deceased Brewery Proprietor:
The lady who showed us around the Pabst Mansion in Milwaukee.

Most Dangerous Chandelier Seen:


Captain Pabst's antler chandelier in Milwaukee.

Deadliest Hamburger Consumed:


The butter burger at Solly's in Milwaukee.

Most Dangerous Burger Consumed:


The Jucy Lucy at Matt's Bar in Minneapolis. This burger consists of two patties of meat surrounding molten cheese - servers warn customers to wait a few minutes for the cheese to cool before biting into it. This makes the Jucy Lucy more dangerous than Solly's butter burger, but it remains considerably less deadly.

Deadliest Item(s) Consumed:


Fried cheese curds at the Old Fashioned in Madison. (This was a closely contested category, but the inclusion of a side of garlic mayonnaise for dipping put the cheese curds over the top).

Most Rapidly Devoured Pie:


The caramel-apple pie at Solly's.

Most Calories Consumed at One Sitting:


Hopple Popple at Benji's Deli in Milwaukee.

Most Ridiculous Item Consumed:


Pie Shakes at Betty's Pies in Minneapolis.

Prettiest Sunset:


Over the lake at the Union Terrace at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

Biggest Surprise:


Minneapolis. Turns out it's gorgeous! And exciting! There are lakes and parkways everywhere, wonderful restaurants, lots of bookshops, friendly people... and it has easy access to the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota! I wonder if it's sunny and warm like that all year long.

Gayest Thai Food Consumed:
Dinner at Pingpong in Boystown, Chicago.

Gayest Everything Else:
Everything in Boystown, Chicago.

Creepiest House in America:


The House on the Rock in Spring Green, WI. I don't even know how to describe this place. You'll just have to look at the photos.

Most Active Photographer:
Me. Here.