Things I learned on my most recent drive from Washington, DC to Oklahoma City, OK (in order of appearance):
1) Fairmont, West Virginia, is the pepperoni roll capital of the world. It may or may not be legal to produce one anywhere else in the state.
2) There is a cheap periodical sold in at least one West Virginia convenience store called MugSHOTS that consists entirely of mug shot photographs arranged in a grid pattern on every single page. I'm not sure if the purpose is to allow the locals to learn whether the guy who moved in across the street is a sex offender, to enable them to discover the whereabouts of that uncle who hasn't called in several weeks, or simply to provide cheap entertainment by spotting people they know ("Hey! There's Roscoe!" "Naw, that ain't Roscoe. See how that one eye opens all the way? That's Roscoe's cousin Lugnut." "Dang, you're right. Lugnut shore does look like Roscoe from the side") I greatly regret not forking over the $1.50 for a copy of this periodical.
3) Pepperoni rolls are kind of gross, and eating one may lead you to believe you're having a heart attack.
4) Drivers in the Midwest are very slow. Like, at-or-below-the-speed-limit slow. This may account for the almost total absence of speed traps between West Virginia and Missouri.
5) In a pinch, cookies and clementines make a perfectly suitable dinner. Provided there are enough cookies and clementines.
6) 7 degrees fahrenheit is cold. 7 degrees fahrenheit with 40mph winds is very, very cold. Eye-freezing cold. Tongue-shrivelling cold. Very, very cold.
7) Like everybody else in the world, British-voiced GPS systems have a hard time pronouncing Louisville. Unlike everybody else in the world, they pronounce it "LOW-iss-vill".
8) If, by some strange twist of fate, I were to end up living in Louisville, KY, I would be just fine. For two reasons: Lynn's Paradise Cafe, easily the most whimsical restaurant in the country (seriously, follow the link), and the Homemade Pie Kitchen. In truth, I'm not entirely sure about the merits of the latter, but I'm expecting great things from the Kentucky Bourbon Chocolate Chip Pecan Pie I bought there.
Lynn's looks like this (I took this last year when I was there):
9) There is a town called Santa Claus, IN.
10) Toasted ravioli is a famous St Louis delicacy, and, even though the eponymous ravioli is not toasted but fried, it is also delicious at a place called Hodak's ("A St Louis Tradition Since 1962") and best enjoyed with good friends and family.
11) Ahab had Moby Dick, Dante had Beatrice, Monty Python had the Holy Grail, and I have the St Louis City Museum.
12) Missouri has an abnormally large number of adult superstores. Abnormally large. Almost all of them have yellow signs, yellow being the international symbol for "seedy".
13) No matter what you're expecting, it will always take about twice as long to drive through Missouri as you're expecting.
14) My brother really likes to drive at night, while I really like to drive during the day.
15) Quite a few bands put out CDs this year that are not as good as their previous CDs. These include: Wolf Parade, Jenny Lewis, and Okkervil River. The new Silver Jews, on the other hand, is quite good. Ditto TV On The Radio. (I may do an end-of-the-year music wrap-up in a few days.)
16) Arriving home to a welcoming mother and a slightly hysterical but adoring dog after a 20-hour drive is a wonderful feeling.
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5 comments:
We're glad you enjoyed the museum and we hope to see you back again soon.
-CM Comments
Dear CM Comments:
Thank you for your nice note. Unfortunately, I was not actually able to visit your museum, as the references to unattainable goals such as whales, grails, and Florentine chicks was meant to indicate. Probably my fault for getting too literary. I do look forward to visiting the City Museum one day soon, however, and when I do, I'll give you another shout-out. Scout's honor.
Amen to #13. When my sister and I drove back from Santa Fe at this very time last year, we were saying "Show me" the way out of this f-ing state! Merry Christmas! Art thou going to the AHA?
Pepperoni rolls are kind of gross, and eating one may lead you to believe you're having a heart attack.
Sometimes I worry about you. Although it's good to know you won't die of scurvy, at least.
Missouri has an abnormally large amount of adult superstores juxtaposed with an abnormally large amount of gratuitous pro-life billboards, usually about 20 feet from the signs advertising the adult superstores. missouri is weird. kansas, btw, also takes you double the amount of time you expect to cross it, or at least it seems that way because its so f'ing boring!!!!!
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